The Daily Scare
The peace-loving corporate multi-national, MIC (Military Industrial Complex) is urgently seeking to fill a vital executive position that has unexpectedly become vacant.
MIC (motto: “Delivering the payload 24/7”) today announced that the successful appointee to this vital and varied role, which bears the title of Ruthless Dictator, will be responsible primarily for restoring morale to the MIC’s philanthropic arm, the NATO charity, mostly by giving it a reason to exist and/or blow some people up.
NATO is currently preoccupied with its benevolent work in Libya but there are rumblings of discontent among its major benefactors.
Many of them feel that the threat posed by Libya has been disappointingly half-hearted and nowhere near scary enough.
Gadhafi was never able to get his act together and amass warlike hordes poised to invade Europe, or at least create the impression that he had. This caused a very real problem for his employers at MIC, the chilling prospect that orders for MIC’s lovingly crafted state-of-the-art weapons of mass genocide would dry up.
This has brought about Gadhafi’s removal from post, his notice hand-delivered in the time-honoured manner by several thousand irate citizens.
MIC, famous for winning many awards from governments such as the coveted “Immunity from Prosecution,” “The Keys to the Exchequer,” and “The Queen’s Award for Economic Blackmail” today issued a brief statement through its spokesperson, Joe Satan (15), head of its Department of Warmongering.
The statement said, “The performance of recent appointees to the Ruthless Dictator position has not justified the trust placed in them. Therefore we are looking for a new broom, someone with a fresh approach. We must avert the catastrophic prospect of running out of bogeymen to frighten people with because that would cause a drastic decline in consumer demand for our products. If an epidemic of peace breaks out, jobs will be lost throughout the industry, thousands of shareholders will lose their Porsches and the economies of the United States and her Trans-Atlantic province, Great Britain, will be irreparably damaged.”
The plight facing the NATO charity is a case in point and exemplifies the problem with which the entire MIC conglomerate is struggling. An effective Ruthless Dictator (R.D.) competently fulfilling his (or her, as this is an equal opportunities position) duties is essential for the maintenance of healthy sales figures.
Without an R.D. who is up to the task, what marketing experts refer to as MIC's Unique Selling Proposition, ("We blow people up for their own good") is compromised. The average tax payer then becomes uncooperative about his (or her) role in supplying MIC with money.
Then a mealy mouthed, pinko-liberal minority of no more than 80% of the population start making a big song and dance about killing people with whom they have no quarrel and have in fact never even met. The government can then be forced to spend tax payer's money dealing with a pandemic of reasoned arguments before it gets out of hand.
MIC may even be forced to think up another Unique Selling Proposition but in that regard is right out of ideas as it tends to be notoriously difficult to think up good reasons for shifting stocks of WMDs before they're past their sell-by date.
Indeed, not only MIC is jeopardised by this fear shortfall. Fear of external threat, in so far as it keeps the public’s attention off what its own government is doing, has been the keystone of successful governments for thousands of years, while a good excuse to kill some foreigners and dismember their children has always been a vital component of international diplomacy.
Without these familiar tools, governments will not know what to do. They face the grim prospect of people wondering why they need them, of not being able to blame someone else or even being in a position of having to answer intelligent questions from their citizens and other enemies.
It is generally felt within MIC and its public relations offices in the White House, Downing Street, Brussels and so forth that the rot set in with the late and sorely missed Soviet Union.
Until the end of the highly profitable sales drive known as World War Two, the Ruthless Dictator position was filled by a number of highly qualified and very adept incumbents such as Messrs Stalin, Hitler and Mussolini.
After the phasing out of Hitler and Mussolini and the unfortunate death of Mr. Stalin, things have not quite been the same.
The post-Stalin Soviet Union let everybody down by embarrassingly collapsing suddenly in the face of a puff of wind just after billions had been spent promoting it as a threat sufficient to place the entire planet on a permanent war footing.
Thus ended something of a Golden Era for MIC and its partner the World Debt Emporium, which had succeeded in persuading governments to run up vast debts so as to buy weaponry capable of wiping out the entire planet three times over, even when once would have been quite sufficient.
Since then, MIC has cast about for a new Ruthless Dictator to provide the key fear factor. Success in this regard has been mediocre at best and the new target of being able to wipe out the Earth five times over has consequently been placed in jeopardy, thanks to a succession of extremely disappointing performances from subsequent appointees.
Saddam Hussein, for instance, while he was quite good at murdering his own citizens, completely failed to amass armies on Europe’s borders. This was despite all the technical help given him by his employers at MIC (Military Industrial Complex) and generous financing from the World Debt Emporium.
He neglected too to build missiles capable of reaching further than Iran or which would not hit somewhere unimportant like Israel when aimed at Great Britain. This in turn caused embarrassment for certain Western politicians who told everybody he had.
Hussein then went completely mad and invaded Kuwait without permission. This was something no-one could have foreseen a sadistic megalomaniac would do. Indeed, he had been dutifully slaughtering his own citizens and waging war on Iran in the normal way right up to the point where his behaviour became unacceptable. Consequently he had to be forcibly removed from his post. As any trainer of pit bulls will tell you, if it shows an inclination to slip its leash and turn on you, you have no choice but to put it down.
Osama Bin Laden proved very adept at killing and, with the help of media PR campaigns, terrifying people the world over on very scant resources but again he failed to convince people he had the capability of launching an invasion. While he managed to boost sales in ancillary industries such as surveillance equipment and enabled certain governments to curtail the rights of their citizens, he never provided a target that anyone could point lots of expensive missiles at. In the end, someone made the mistake of claiming that he had been killed and that finished him as a threat.
With Gadfahi in Libya also failing to terrify the western world, MIC is now seeking someone who will do the job properly.
Various candidates are already being considered but the way is clear for any cheap politician who feels he can bring some creativity to the role to apply.
Candidates should have the following qualities
- must look swarthy
- must have own beard or moustache and/or look wooden
- must not speak English
- must be a dedicated psychopath – willingness to murder own citizens and thus render them “in need of protection” is essential.
- must be a supporter of psychiatry – a psychiatrist himself or under treatment from a psychiatrist. Experienced psychiatric experts will be provided to advise him on the drugging of his citizens or the use of Electro Convulsive Torture (ECT), brain washing and mind control
- must be dim
- must be dictatorial
- must be ruthless
- must have some previous experience of politics, with proven skills in the arts of back-stabbing, killing political opponents (or friends) and vote rigging an advantage.Candidates do not have to be presently in power in their country as all necessary help will be provided to get them into power quickly once they are chosen for the Ruthless Dictator role
Possession of own weapons of mass destruction is also an advantage but not essential. High-interest loans to purchase these from MIC’s out-of-date stockpiles will be provided by the World debt Emporium and can be repaid by taxes extracted from the successful candidate’s own citizens.
Equally an advantage but not essential, the candidate will have familial or commercial ties with western business interests or banking or be an asset of western intelligence agencies.
The job offers considerable perks for the right person, including a billion dollars in a Swiss bank account held in escrow until he has successfully completed his tenure.
Tenure is usually for ten years after which his employers will assist his smooth transition into retirement by faking his death, referring him to a plastic surgeon and relocating him to a luxury villa in South America.
All applicants should apply in writing to The Safe House, Dead Letter Box 9, [address deleted for security reasons]
