The need to worry (or panic) is over
Genetic scientists announced today that they
have solved all the world’s problems.
The shock news was released this morning by Secretary
of State for Mutant Affairs and Extinction Management, Jane Fibbs, as she
triumphantly addressed the world via subliminal messages democratically imbedded
into popular TV programmes such as Gordon Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares and Spot
the Celebrity Brain.
She declared that, “The need for anyone to illegally
doubt this government ever again is well and truly over thanks to the latest
miracle breakthrough by researchers at the famous top secret Frankenstein
Institute in Apocalypse, Missouri.”
This news comes as something of a surprise to dissident
factions such as voters, the middle classes, the working classes and other ungrateful
minorities who were convinced that geneticists had given them strange lumps,
breathing difficulties and other unwanted irritations such as the New World
Order.
But everybody’s troubles are now, probably, over
and we can all look forward to a new Golden Age of nothing bad ever happening again
thanks to the Frankenstein Institute’s $4,000 billion four-year research
programme.
Code-named Project Completely Sensible,
researchers engaged in an ambitious search for the solution to two of the world’s
major problems: a shortage of elbow room on an over-populated planet and a
shortage of money in the under-funded bank accounts of shareholders of the
Frankenstein Institute.
The solution that the Institute’s dedicated team
have come up with is widely reputed by experts all across the Frankenstein
Institute to be so complete and fool-proof and without any known side-effects or
consequences whatsoever that neither the government nor the pharmaceutical
industry need worry.
This is so much the case that anyone who enters
any negativity into the proceedings by writing sarcastic articles or scathing
Facebook posts about it it will immediately be arrested by an elite squad of
Green Berets, locked up in a psychiatric institution and have their brain
re-wired with drugs.
To those of you who insist that such treatment
is a tad harsh, Ms Fibbs retorted, “No, it isn’t.”
She then went on to explain that in any case,
harbouring doubts about your democratically elected dictatorship is now illegal
and those who insist that people have constitutional rights are reminded that,
no they don’t. The Constitution was
abolished last Tuesday by the Democratic Committee for the Abolition of the
Constitution when it was proved beyond doubt by a press release from the office
of the President that its content was largely seditious and ran contrary to the
inalienable right of multinational corporations to be unconstitutional and/or
wreck the planet. There will probably be a subliminal implant announcing this
minor constitutional adjustment next year.
The President himself, speaking at the launch of
the National Big Brother competition - in which the lives of all citizens will be
secretly televised to an audience of Homeland Security specialists - took pause
to congratulate the Frankenstein Institute for its “sterling work.”
President Stalin is renowned for being the
world’s first cloned President and was genetically engineered in a laboratory
in Zimbabwe to have no common sense.
He went on to say, “There are those who
assert that the answer to the chaos and inefficiency that has made an
under-populated and scarcely developed planet appear overcrowded is to run
things better and stop being stupid. But we say there is no need to go to such
extraordinary lengths when we have at our disposal the means to tinker
recklessly with genes.”
And he added, “The Frankensteins have shown us
the way forward. The answer to a world that appears small is to make human
beings even smaller!”
The technological means to achieve the age-old
goal of making human beings very small comes in the form of the “Lilliput
Drug.”
Scientists noted that human beings, especially
in America, have been getting larger and larger and predicted that by the year
2100 the average American male will be over 20 feet tall and almost as wide and
weigh approximately three tons.
The strain on the Earth’s resources of
increasingly large human bodies is obvious: larger bodies eat more food and drink
more essential nutrients such as coffee and alcohol, require larger doses of
drugs (or bullets) to sedate or kill them, need bigger cars and houses, use
more toilet paper, take up more room and so on.
The answer to the problem is obvious: make human
beings smaller. If, generation by generation, human beings could be genetically
engineered to be progressively smaller in size, arriving over time at what is
believed to be the ideal size for a human being – roughly four inches in height
and five pounds in weight – massive savings will be made on the consumption of
the Earth’s resources.
At those ideal dimensions, it has been
calculated that the entire population of the planet could live comfortably on
the Isle of Wight and be fed by the agricultural output of Angola.
In other words, as the size of human beings
shrinks, the world will, from our perspective, seem to grow larger and larger
until it corresponds with the relative size of Jupiter. This will give everyone
a lot more elbow room.
There would be an added benefit in that labour
will be a lot more comfortable for mothers giving birth to children who with
each generation are roughly half the size of the previous generation.
This dream has now become achievable with the
development of the Lilliput Pill. The pill was extensively tested on elephants
at the New York City Zoo and the results of those experiments will be on
display to the public as soon as the so-called “Lilliput Elephants” can be
coaxed out from under the sofa in the manager’s office.
The new wonder drug, which has to be taken daily
from birth until old age or compulsory sterilisation (whichever is the sooner) will
soon be tested on humans by making it available on prescription or over the
counter at drug stores.
Next year, consumption of the Lilliput Drug will
be made compulsory for all citizens and those who decline gently persuaded to
see the error of their ways by being locked up without trial. The government
insists that this measure is not undemocratic as it merely weeds out those who
disagree with the government, a measure which any person in his right mind and
not a terrorist sympathiser must agree with.
Those necessarily exempt for the new compulsory
shrinkage will be, among others, the owners of multinational corporations,
government officials, the military and the police. All these will be permitted
to retain their current size.
It is thus believed that when all other people
are four inches or less in height, it will be easier for the forces of law and
order to literally stamp out dissent and/or terrorism. And thus save on the
cost of bullets.
The only known, mild side effects anyone need not
worry about at all, - apart from being trodden on by government officials, - will
be being chased by cats or carried off by starlings.
However to combat such fears, scientists at the
Brain-u-Like Institute have announced a solution. They have discovered the existence
of a hitherto unknown mental illness called TAD (Tiny Aversion Disorder) and
developed a drug which will render anyone carried off by starlings, eaten by voles
or mown down by stampeding cockroaches inordinately happy about the whole experience.
Related
News
“Human Shrinkage plans do not go far enough,”
says controversial group.
The UK-based “Miniscule Society”, an extremist
offshoot of the AMF, the American Mini-me Federation, today poured scorn on the
government’s plans to reduce humans to four inches in height. Posting on
Facebook just before he was arrested by a nine hundred strong force of FBI
agents backed up by tanks and surface-to-surface missiles, a spokesperson for
the group accused the government of a conspiracy to deny people their
inalienable rights to be very tiny indeed. Claiming that if human beings were
reduced to the height of one millimetre the entire population of the world
could live in a single fallout shelter and consume just one tin of spam per
day......” [continued on page 1187]