The Daily Scare
A slip of the tongue by Energy Minister John Fossil-Fuels, MP for Luddite-in-the-Wold, caused red faces throughout Whitehall and distracted the government from its preparations for World War Three.
At a recent press conference, Mr Fossil-Fuel accidentally told journalists that the government will soon be bringing a halt to the development of wind farms in the UK because “the great British public doesn’t want wind farms all over the place because they make the UK look too wind-farmy.”
The government’s double-spokesperson, Janet Gaffsmother, was quick to clarify.
“Clearly the Minister’s remarks were misunderstood,” she announced by text message this morning, “and what he really meant to say was ‘this government thinks wind farms are fab.’ Which of course we do, at least for the foreseeable future (next Tuesday) whereupon we reserve the right to think something else entirely but not tell the electorate what it is.”
A source close to Downing Street said: “These latest revelations fly in the face of many centuries of tradition that demand that Minsters refrain from making public statements that are too easily understood by the public, which lay government policy open to accusations of being too transparent and/or annoying.”
But Mr Fossil-Fuel was both unrepentant and insisted that government should never sacrifice its obligations to its benefactors by pandering to the good of the country. Speaking to this reporter during an interval at the annual conference of the Oil Barons Benevolent Society, he laid out a damning case against the continuation of the country’s dangerous flirtation with free, clean energy, which many experts in the field of environmental depredation have predicted “will only end in tears.”
For one thing, wind farms are nowhere near as stylish and pleasing on the eye as the brooding majesty of nuclear cooling towers, especially the ones that glow in the dark, or the sunlight refracted in glorious technicolour through the mists of an atmosphere delicately tinted with carbon monoxide and other beneficial effluents.
What town or village in the land would not prefer to reside next to the pleasing undulations of the occasional inoffensive slag heap or bask in the shadow of an hydraulic fracturing tower as it benignly opens cracks in the Earth’s crust?
For another thing, the wind farms are eerily quiet. The lazy whoosh of their ponderously turning blades is just too disquieting for Tory party donors from the fossil fuel community and other people of a nervous disposition.
It is rather dull too for the taste of most Brits, who prefer rattling window panes, the roar of earth moving juggernauts and the heady boisterousness of living close to the edge of motorways, open cast mines, airports or extinction.
Let’s face it, if the sinister environmentalists and other enemies of corporate freedom have their way, and the country becomes sort of too clean and quiet; people will sorely miss the clank and judder of machinery, the occasional explosion, the hiss of escaping vapours and the wail of meltdown sirens so lovingly associated with traditional methods of raping the planet.
The turning blades of the evil wind farms pose a serious threat to local wild life too: they could easily take the eye out of some passing seagull at any moment, a fate infinitely worse than the slight inconvenience of being washed up on a beach smothered in crude oil.
Not only that, what would happen if one of those propellers became detached in high winds and went cart-wheeling across the landscape, demolishing small villages and coming to rest by flattening Chipping Sodbury? This would be an environmental disaster far worse than a mere nuclear meltdown or the odd little seepage of arsenic into the drinking water.
If the wind farm debacle is allowed to continue, the nation faces the, er . . . debacle . . . of having no need to attack Middle Eastern countries, not to mention the disaster of cheap, clean energy bringing about an improvement in our quality of life and thus propelling governance into hitherto uncharted waters.
Another problem with wind farms and similar machinations of Lucifer is that they merely recycle existing energy rather than releasing new hitherto inert energy into the biosphere. Thus they barely contribute to the cause of global warming so favoured by the nation’s great lunatics and if the unthinkable scenario of global no-particular-warming ever comes to pass, you can kiss goodbye government plans for bringing about a more Mediterranean-like climate to these isles.
Besides, the engineering of a more Venus-like climate is a small price to pay for the peace of mind of the Fossil and Radioactive communities. In any case, climate change in a more alien-friendly direction is vitally necessary as we prepare for invasion by the planet Tharg that is scheduled for 2020, if not sooner.
It is crucial at this stage that we make our alien visitors feel right at home by presenting them with an atmosphere they, at least, can breathe.
Economically, it is vital that we continue the tradition of borrowing large sums of money from banks at high rates of interest so that we can then give it to the Japanese for building nuclear reactors across the nation. It is far better to pay through the nose for the energy to power our dishwashers than go cap-in-hand to Mother Nature for a free handout. We should consider too that for the cost of building three hundred wind farms on unused hilltops we could build a single nuclear reactor on the outskirts of Basingstoke and provide jobs for thousands of foreign workers and environmental disaster experts.
By doing the latter, we can spend money that would be otherwise be frittered away on not taxing people or growing organic food.
Encouraged by the example of the Fukushima meltdown and the German government’s abandonment of its nuclear programme, plans to have a Japanese company build reactors will forge ahead.
The Toyota company is due to start building reactors across England and Wales next year. These will be state-of-the art installations compete with stylish gull-wing doors and anti-fallout airbags and meltdown sirens in a choice of popular ring tones.
But to reassure the British public that its safety is always not too far from the government’s mind, another company highly reputed in the industry to have donated lots of money to party funds, will undertake the manufacture of breathing masks and hazmat suits for each citizen, all readily available on manageable hire purchase terms.
To make the whole adventure fun for the kiddies, the suits will come in a variety of designs, including Winnie the Pooh, Thomas the Tank Engine and even the latest craze: the GMO Cabbage Patch Dolls, complete with additional heads and stick-on tumours.
Drilling for gas using the so-called “fracking” technique will meanwhile be accelerated, encouraged by the fact that it has been banned in France. Fracking will involve punching cracks in the Earth’s crust on prime farmland near to population centres so as to release gas from two miles under the surface and running the inevitable poisonous bi-products safely into Lake Windermere.
This process is considered to be a lot more efficient than merely building windmills on unused land and reaffirms the government’s determination to avoid logic or solving problems that are none of its business unless those problems are those of multinational corporations trying to stave off bankruptcy. It also reaffirms its policy of welcoming industries to these islands that other countries in their folly would not touch with a barge pole.
